When sorry is not enough

Each of us might have received spanking or verbal abuse in our life and we don’t want to reminisce that time in our life but being a battered woman is a different story.

Sometimes, i would ask myself how do abusive person becomes abusive?  I am trying to recover from the past events of my life.  My father becomes alcoholic and there were days and nights that he was a drunken rageaholic and the helpless me could not do anything about it and i will just sink in to a dream.  There was a time, that i could not bear the beating that i have to leave home and live with my grand mother but, i have to rush coming home with a threat that our house would be burned into ashes.

There were times that i just let the evening pass at the Baclaran Church or stay a night or two with my friend’s house.   Sometimes, i would ask myself why i have to stay in an abusive life and realize that i have little choices and i have to bear.

when sorry is not enough

image source- free digital photos

They say people become abusive because of some genetics, emotional or even physical child abuse.  An abuser becomes one because he might have experienced abused in his life or perhaps another reason is that he had received so much attention and becomes spoiled.  Studies shows that men believes that they are superior and they think that it is their right, and entitlement to  abuse or control the woman.

My father’s mother is strict yet she spoiled him and he had a miserable marriage that he will always blame me the reasons of why his life was ruined.  For a little girl, learning that fact is somehow trivial and for blaming me with his life is somehow very unreasonable.

I thought that physical abused like holding a knife to to you, spanking you with a stick broom, a wood, banging your head on a post, slapping your face, humiliate you in front of others, hollering in front of strangers can just be found in a movie or television scene but it does happen in real life and that’s a sad reality.

After some realization, he will say sorry and a promise that it will never happened again but this is just an act that never happened until one day, i find a way to be out on his life for good.  I could not say that i married young because i have been able to fulfill my promise on the death bed of my grand mother that i will finish my study.  After graduation, i decided that i will definitely leave my father for good so i would never receive the emotional and physical abuse that i have suffered for years.

They say that physiological abuse is more damaging than physical abuse and when love becomes a traumatic experiences. When i remember the sad days of my life, i cry and becomes angry with my father but then i felt alone again and wish he was still alive so i can have someone to talk with.

I have been into great depression and emotional turmoil in my life that comes into suicidal attempt and when i thought i was over it, reality comes back and i have to face it all again.

How can you know if someone have changed when he still blames you for an abusive act and when someone convinces that it was really you that was crazy afterall. Now, you would ask yourself that things bound to happen because you let it and you have come into realization that part of your life is not yet over and you have to bear with it all over again.

They say that when you suffered abused in your life, there is a tendency that you will abuse your children in the future.  I do hope that this will not happen because i am just continuing the chain but what can i do if i am not the one whose bringing the pain .  When would i realize that i have the will and power to stop it.

  1. i had no idea that you’ve suffered this much in the past, mars, it must’ve been hard + i can only begin to imagine how you manage to come out of your circumstance + emerge as a victor in life….

    know for sure that you will never abuse your children nor you will let someone else do that to them….

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